June 8, 2009
I just wanted to take a moment and mention the following five things.
1) It is not completely unreasonable for the people in the immediate vicinity to want to get some sleep on a Sunday evening.
2) Spending time in your back yard swearing like a sailor, trying to sing songs you don’t know the words to and screaming at the top of your inebriated lungs do not help the rest of us fall or remain asleep.
3) Responding with threats, assertions that you are the only civilized person on the street and saying that it is America when politely asked to quiet down or move the party inside do not help either.
4) Taunting, hollering and daring the people around you to call the police might not be the best plan for helping your case.
5) I hope you spend the morning vomiting up your indiscretions and suffering with a headache that makes your re-think your religion.
Sincerely, Your Neighbor
April 22, 2009
Dear members of our board of trustees,
Five thoughts about our relationship
-I know it may feel like it, but I don’t actually report to you. I have a boss, and she has a boss and he reports to you. If you think I should be making a phone call, or wearing a different suit…take it up with one of them.
-Just because you are rich does not mean that you are smart. Sure it may mean that you are smart and that is how you became rich but it may also mean that you married someone rich or came out of the birth canal of someone rich or someone who married someone rich. This wealth does not make you an expert on everything.
-You may be retired with not a care in the world and all the time you want to spend your money but I have a full time job. This means I can not meet you for meetings hours away from work in the middle of the work day and still DO MY JOB.
-Speaking of my job…believe it or not, I might know a little something about it. While I appreciate your helpful suggestions, thoughtful advice and ideas that I will be forced to implement and explain while you sit in your chair and pen a check, how about you give me a little credit and assume I might know something about the work I do?
-You may ask me a lot of questions and I may be forced to give you a lot of answers but my age will not now, nor ever be one of them. I don’t care when you were born, you should not care when I was. Got it?
Sincerely, your humble servant.
December 29, 2008
Dear Drivers around the Delaware Water Gap at apx 4:45 pm yesterday,
Since it is painfully clear you have suffered a case of amnesia and completely forgotten everything you may have learned during drivers ed. Here are five things you may want to remember the next time you get behind the wheel.
1) When roads have 2 lanes, the left lane is reserved for those who are passing. The right lane is where you want to drive 10 miles per hour under the speed limit.
2) If people are flying by you in the right lane and using their middle finger to show you something in the sky as they pass, you might want to consider moving over.
3) Since we are on the subject of lanes; you only get to use one of them. This means you have to make a choice. Driving in both is unfair, dangerous and a little greedy.
4) Sometimes, accidents happen. It is unfortunate but true. When you are passing an accident it is polite to focus on the seemingly impossible task of merging three lanes into two and pay attention. Stopping dead in your tracks to look a the pretty flashing lights or smoking car is not going to give you a lot of information about the accident. It will however give you an up-close and personal account of the accident you are about to cause.
5) GET OFF YOUR G-D DAMN CELL PHONE. You can not talk and drive. You can not text and drive. You can not put on your hands free headset and drive and you can not, under any circumstances, use your Iphone to look up directions while going 82 miles per an hour into the Tappan Zee Bridge.
*As a special little side note to the the man driving the white BMW with CT plates…yes you, the one who nearly killed D and I as you swerved into my car going 94. Listen close little man. If I ever find you in a dark ally or alone in a parking garage…you’re dead. I swear on my life…I am going to hurt you. No, I am not kidding. At all.
December 8, 2008
Dear Cranberry and Vodka,
I never wanted it to come to this; but our friendship is officially over for the following five reasons.
-You make me sick. Literally, you make me sicker than a five year old with a stomach flu on a transatlantic flight. How do you mange to turn two lovely things like cranberry juice and vodka into such stomach retching poison?
-You continually lure me back to your evil ways. Even when I think that we will never spend another night together, you sit there cold and fresh, mocking me with your tasty goodness until I fold.
-You speed up the earths rotation and make time move faster than Usain Bolt. One minute it is last call and three of you and your friends later my clock is showing 5:15.
-You leave the worlds worst headaches in your wake. If the empty vodka bottle shattered and shards of its glass were repeatedly jabbed through my eyeballs it would not hurt nearly as much as you do.
-You climb into my brain and take my happy memories. The headache and the stomachache and the loss of 6 hours of my life would not be nearly as insulting if I had any recollection of it. But no, you rob me of the one simple pleasure of remembering the night I had while I suffer with the consequences in the morning.
For this and many other reasons we are no longer friends. This time, I mean it. You never cared about me anyway.
December 1, 2008
The truth is; I had no interest in meeting you. My heart was heavy with worry for my father and quite frankly…I did not want to meet anyone. Our friends dragged me out that night and for the first time in weeks, I laughed. I don’t know if I knew right then that I would spend my life with you but I knew you were special. Since that day I have learned so much more about you than your interest in running and winter sports and your affinity for the Midwest. In honor of your birthday, here are five of my favorite.
-You are incredibly kind. You give everyone you meet the benefit of the doubt and I have never heard you say a bad word about anyone.
-You are amazingly patient. I can not even begin to count the number of times I have made us late for parties, dinners and flights or how often you have heard me say “I’m ready” only to watch me run around the room for 5 more minutes straitening up, putting away the remote or fixing the throw pillows. You have never lost your temper or left with out me and that is pretty amazing.
-You are totally honest. When you flew out to surprise me in AZ you managed to plan the whole thing with out telling one lie. When I threw you your surprise 30th I must have told hundreds of them. This honesty holds true for everything you do and every interaction you have.
-You are extremely talented. By profession you are one of the lucky people who get to make the world a more beautiful place and you have certainly done the same for our home. I love having a husband who actually cares what shade of gray the living room is and makes custom breakfast bars from left over pieces of ceder.
-You are reliably funny. I can honestly say that everyday we are together to make me smile, chuckle or giggle. I never imagined life could be so much fun.
Happy Birthday to my husband, my partner, my friend. Love, S
September 22, 2008
As you may have noticed, in the last storm the fence that separates our yard has fallen down. We are not quite sure who owns the fence but maybe we can get together and talk about the repair. Sincerely, Your Neighbor
ONE WEEK LATER
We have taken a quick look around our yard and it appears that the fence that separates our yard from yours is different from the fences on either side of us. This leads me to believe that perhaps, the fence belongs to you. Since no one is quite sure, maybe we could split the cost? Best, Your Neighbor
THREE WEEKS LATER
I understand that since the “good” side of the fence is facing your yard, you believe the fence belongs to us. Have you considered that since the fence is exactly the same on all three sides of your yard, it may belong to you? Maybe when you put the fence up you decided you wanted to look at the nice side, and not have it face your neighbors. This shocks me because you certainly don’t seem like the type. -Your Neighbor
A MONTH LATER
If we are going to continue to live together someone needs to replace the fence. I am sure you are not intentionally walking around your house with no shirt on and allowing your dog to take a dump in our yard but this is precisely the sort of thing a fence prevents.
ONE WEEK LATER
Fine. You win. I don’t want to look at your yard, your nasty dog or your sunburned belly any more than you want to watch me giving you the look of death. We will replace YOUR fence.
September 17, 2008
Even though it has been a few months, I am still feeling quite new to this whole blogger thing. Lately, some blog etiquette (blogiquette?) questions have been coming up in my mind and I am hoping some of my fellow bloggers might be willing to give me some advice, or point me to a good source of information. ‘Blogging for Dummies’ perhaps?
1) Blogrolls: Is there a protocol when you add someone to your blogroll? Do you send them a nice note telling them that you have enjoyed reading their blog for sometime and you feel ready to take it to the next level (cue scene from Wedding Crashers when Vince Vaughn tells Isla Fisher he is ready to take it to the next level and she thinks he means a threesome but really he is trying to propose. I love that scene. I love Vince Vaughn) What about if you added someone to your blogroll too hastily and suddenly decide you don’t really want to read their blog anymore? Can you remove them? Do you need to go through some sort of break up? Do you let them know its not them, really…its you?
2) Comments: I love comments. I think everyone loves comments. My question is, do you respond to your comments? Do you respond one by one or do you post a whole list of responses al la’ Mr. 5280? (Personally, I love when my comments are responded to because it makes me feel like the blogger is actually reading them, but maybe responses annoy other people. I don’t know.)
3)Posting: Is it better to post something lame and crappy or not post at all? For example, does it look pathetic and desperate is you just post a whole list of questions? (oh wait…hmmm?)
4) Blog Crushes: Ok, someone needs to explain the whole blogger crush thing to me. What does it mean? How does it happen? Does having a crush on someone you have never met or even seen imply that people are not quite as looks focused as we think they are and it is possible to be interested in someone because of their wit and charm. I don’t have a blog crush. I’m just curious.
5) Family: When do you tell your family that you have been blogging about them? Or, do you tell them at all? How does that conversation go? I can already hear me trying to tell my mother.
me: Hi mom, so I have been doing this thing called blogging. Pretty much you just post your thoughts and frustrations on line for the whole world to see.
mom: Oh, that’s nice dear. What do you write about.
me: Um, all sorts of things. I vent about work or strangers or eh, my family.
mom: So you talk about our family on the Internet? Do these people know us? What will the neighbors think?
me: Don’t worry mom, it is just a few thousand people who have no idea who you are but know that planning your retirement party almost put me in the loony bin.
mom: That’s fine, I always loved your brother more. Maybe I should but that on the internet?
July 24, 2008
Will you hold my hand, when I loose someone or something I love?
Will you be there for me, regardless of the bad choices I make or how many times I make them?
Will you tell me, when my clothes are unflattering, my hair needs to be dyed or I have something in my teeth?
Will you forgive me, if at times I am not as good of a friend to you as you have been to me or if my needs overwhelm you?
Will you believe me, when I tell you I love you and I need you and my life would not be the same without you?
June 3, 2008
Inspired by La Petite Belle, I decide to compose a letter, or at least five thoughts, to my body.
Dear Body, I am sorry about all the tanning I did during the late 90’s. Yes, I knew better. No, I did not care. Yes, I see the wrinkles at the corners of my eyes and yes, I know I deserve it.
Dear Body, I am sorry that the medical profession failed us both for so long, and did not know what was wrong with us. I am so sorry that during that time I put all sorts of poison in you and then wondered why I felt so horrible. Yes, I am relieved it is over too.
Dear Body, I am sorry about the things we have been through that may have lead to the painful breaking of your heart. But I thank you for sticking with me, and showing me that grief alone can not kill you.
Dear Body, Thank you for the days you craved tofu and steamed kale. I will forgive you for the days that you did not, if you will forgive me for the days I craved tequila and lime. Yes, I learned my lesson. No, I will not do it again. ok… yes I will do it again.
Dear Body, Thank you for getting up with me every day. For two legs that move when I ask them to and for hands and arms that let me hug when I need them to. Thank you for putting up with my foolish and at times vain pursuit to push, run and work you into a form I am comfortable with, while ignoring what you may be comfortable with. Thank you for not letting me down, even on the days (and the nights) I may let you down. Thank you for sticking with me through thick and thin and thick again. I think we make a pretty good pair.