5 lessons I should have learned by now, but have some how managed not to. 

Lesson 1:  No matter how ‘right’ you believe you are, and how many people approve the content, do not, under any circumstance, send an e-mail when you are angry.  You will be just as right in a few hours and once you calm down, you may even see that the other person might just have a point.

Lesson 2: After you have hit send on your nasty gram, do not head to the nearest kitchen to start eating whatever will crunch under your teeth.  This will not make you feel better and will probably give you a tummy ache.

Lesson 3: Do not buy clothes on line from any company you are not 100% sure of the fit for. You think that you will return them but they will sit in your car in their little plastic envelope for weeks and when you finally get to the post office you will calculate how much you have spent on shipping and be annoyed. 

Lesson 4:  Do not leave the house with out looking at the front and the back of an outfit to make sure your bra straps are in no way visible.  This will result in you making a frantic phone call to your assistant at 8:00 in the morning informing her that you had an important meeting you forgot about while you scour the racks to find a replacement undergarment or shirt.  Neither will fit right or look good.

Lesson 5:  Do not expect the people around you to change.  They never will and you will always be disappointed.

PS:  All of these lessons have been reinforeced today; before lunch.  I think I deserve a nap.

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Let’s make it a double…

February 16, 2009

A double post on knowing when to say when:

Five ways you can tell that your colleague has had way to much to drink (and that you will never be going out with her again)

1) When you put in an order for the best nachos this side of Austin and she responds sulkily “noooo, I’m too fat to eat”

2) When after being politely refused the first time she insists on asking the bartender out yet again in a manner that is both suggestive and offensive.

3) When she falls off of the bar stool on her way to tripping on the curb to smoke a cigarette that she does not own.

4) When the bartender looks at you with a mix of horror and concern asking if you think she has been over served and you must remind him that no, three glasses of wine in a three hour period is not more than a responsible adult should be able to consume while you both plot a way to get her out of the bar into a cab and out of your hair. 

5) When she returns from her cigarette break and puts hear head down on the bar, in a puddle of her spilt wine.

Five ways to tell that perhaps you have had too much to drink and will be spending the next day sipping tea and wondering where the night went. 

1) When the waiter makes a joke about having consumed a pitcher of sangria a person and suggests next visit you skip the glasses and just ask for a straw.

2) When your spouse, partner, significant other or friend takes one look at you and says “well, I can see you are in no condition to drive home either”

3) When the check arrives and your bar bill has way more than doubled your food bill.

4) When you ask the waiter for some water please and he politely points out that a full glass has been sitting in front of you for apx 20 min.

5) When you comment that the weather is lovely on the walk home after you froze your butt of simply waking to the car on the way there.

At least I managed not to trip on anything…I think. 

russell_mills_cup_of_tea_470x451

Yes, I mean you.

December 29, 2008

Dear Drivers around the Delaware Water Gap at apx 4:45 pm yesterday,

Since it is painfully clear you have suffered a case of amnesia and completely forgotten everything you may have learned during drivers ed.  Here are five things you may want to remember the next time you get behind the wheel.

1) When roads have 2 lanes, the left lane is reserved for those who are passing.  The right lane is where you want to drive 10 miles per hour under the speed limit.

2) If people are flying by you in the right lane and using their middle finger to show you something in the sky as they pass, you might want to consider moving over.

3) Since we are on the subject of lanes; you only get to use one of them.  This means you have to make a choice.  Driving in both is unfair, dangerous and a little greedy.

4) Sometimes, accidents happen.  It is unfortunate but true.  When you are passing an accident it is polite to focus on the seemingly impossible task of merging three lanes into two and pay attention.  Stopping dead in your tracks to look a the pretty flashing lights or smoking car is not going to give you a lot of information about the accident.  It will however give you an up-close and personal account of the accident you are about to cause.

5) GET OFF YOUR G-D DAMN CELL PHONE.  You can not talk and drive.  You can not text and drive.  You can not put on your hands free headset and drive and you can not, under any circumstances, use your Iphone to look up directions while going 82 miles per an hour into the Tappan Zee Bridge.

*As a special little side note to the the man driving the white BMW with CT plates…yes you, the one who nearly killed D and I as you swerved into my car going 94.  Listen close little man.  If I ever find you in a dark ally or alone in a parking garage…you’re dead.  I swear on my life…I am going to hurt you.  No, I am not kidding.  At all.

– March 2001- I am living in London and visiting the National Portrait Gallery.  The Brits do not look highly upon ringing cell phones in museums.   Like any good American, trying not to look like an American, I take my phone out of my bag, dutifully turn it to vibrate and stick it in my pocket.  1 hr later…. I go to use the ladies room and at the exact moment I start to unbutton my pants, the cell phone ‘rings’ and vibrates itself out of my pocket and into the toilet where it vibrates and glows for three more rings before dying a slow death. 

– January 2003 – I am in graduate school desperately trying to finish up my masters degree while working part time.  I am getting ready to teach a class on Mercantilism in Colonial America and decide to use the ladies room before the class begins.  With my phone resting on my books I begin to enter the stall and immediately remember my previous experience with cell phones and water.  I go to lower my books and place the phone safely on the floor when the phone slides off and begins plummeting for the bowl below.  I reach out and knock the phone into the tank where it bounces twice and ultimately falls into the swimming pool.  This time, I know better.  I leave it exactly where it is and use another bathroom.

– April 2005-  My screen goes dead.  One minute it is fine and the next minute I cannot see who is calling me.  One minute later I can not access my phonebook and I realize that I have lost the ability to remember anyone’s phone number.  I vow that if I ever get the phone numbers back, I will work on my memorization.  I will also write them down.

– July 2007- There is no sound coming from my cell phone.  I increase the volume, I wear one of those ear piece things even when I am not driving.  I plug my other ear, close my eyes, turn off anything in the vicinity that could be making noise and still…I can not hear one word the person calling me is saying. 

– December 2008 – I meet my friend C for a drink (ok, maybe 2) after work.  On my way home I decide to stop at the ATM and get some cash for the weekend.  The ATM eats my card.  Right before my very eye’s and it will not give it back.  I take out my phone and flip it open to call Bank of America to tell them about their hungry ATM.  In my haste, aggravation and red wine haze…I over flip the phone.  Screen goes blue.  I can now only use my phone if I hold the part where you talk and the part where you listen at exactly 90 degrees.  No, I have not written down any phone numbers.  Yes, I know…I should have learned my lesson.

Am I overly hard on phones?  I don’t think so.  Is there a phone that can withstand the wrath of Sara?  I don’t know.  You tell me.

Oh really? Thats great.

December 10, 2008

I have a great boss.  Really, I do.  He knows a ton about what he is doing and is very well respected in the field. I know that working for him will make me a million times better at my job.  However.  If he comes into my office one more time to tell me that he just met someone really impressive, with brilliant ideas that blew him away who just happens to be doing MY job at another institution…. I am going to:

-Scream

-Puke

-Cry

-Run

or

-Throw an excel spreadsheet at his head

How do you think that will be for my job security?

The end of a friendship

December 8, 2008

Dear Cranberry and Vodka,

I never wanted it to come to this; but our friendship is officially over for the following five reasons.

-You make me sick.  Literally, you make me sicker than a five year old with a stomach flu on a transatlantic flight. How do you mange to turn two lovely things like cranberry juice and vodka into such stomach retching poison?

-You continually lure me back to your evil ways.  Even when I think that we will never spend another night together, you sit there cold and fresh, mocking me with your tasty goodness until I fold.

-You speed up the earths rotation and make time move faster than Usain Bolt.  One minute it is last call and three of you and your friends later my clock is showing 5:15.

-You leave the worlds worst headaches in your wake.  If the empty vodka bottle shattered and shards of its glass were repeatedly jabbed through my eyeballs it would not hurt nearly as much as you do.

-You climb into my brain and take my happy memories.  The headache and the stomachache and the loss of 6 hours of my life would not be nearly as insulting if I had any recollection of it.  But no, you rob me of the one simple pleasure of remembering the night I had while I suffer with the consequences in the morning.

For this and many other reasons we are no longer friends.  This time, I mean it.  You never cared about me anyway.

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I am sure you will all think a little less of me after reading this post. But, here are five thoughts about my election day experience. 

1) When I finally got to my election site after work yesterday there was no line.  I know this makes me sound like a total looser, but with all the turn out hype I was kind of looking forward to waiting in line. I even brought a book.  Nope, I walked right in and had to set me book on the floor while I filled out my ballot.

2) I might have voted for someone because a really nice person outside the polling place asked me to.  He said good evening and asked me to consider his candidate and when I got in the little booth I did consider his candidate and I voted for him.  I was going to tell him on my way out but I thought we might both get arrested or at least yelled at.

3) I had NO idea what 90% of the local ballot questions were all about.  I tried to wade through the legalese as swiftly as possible but since I had my book on the floor and no one would explain them to me I pretty much winged it.

4) I really wanted to tell off Chuck Todd. I know that he is really smart and well informed and if he was voting in my district he would have known EXACTLY what all three pages of ballot initiatives were about but that does not make him any less annoying.  If he compared the map to 2004 and 2000 one more time I may have screamed,  or at the very least turned off msnbc.

5) I was moderately obsessed with the electoral college ice map.  I am always amazed with the art work they are able to do on fields and ball parks and this was no exception. Again, I would have loved to have been in on the meeting where someone proposed the electoral ice map.  “Can’t we just put it up on a screen?”  “Well, we could…but everyone is going to have a screen.  Wouldn’t it be so much cooler if our map was in ice“. 

How was your voting experience?

Five signs you may be in for a really long flight…

1) While sitting in the waiting area you are informed that one of the crew members has become violently ill and they will need to wait for a replacement. He may have the flu, he my have the bubonic plague…they just don’t know.

2) You go to take your seat and find that you are sitting in front of a 2 month old infant and her two year old sister,. There is one poor parent and a lot of snacks which are quickly turning into a pile of crumbs at your feet. The infant immediately starts to cry.

3) Before you can even get into your seat belt the captain comes on and informs everyone that due to an unusually strong headwind the normally easy 5 1/2 hour flight will be more like 6 1/2 hours but not to worry, you will be there before you know it. The infant continues to cry.

4) The man in the seat directly next to you clears his throat every 10 seconds. Literally, every ten seconds. You know it is every ten seconds because you become so infuriated by the mucus dislodging clearing of the throat you begin to count how many times it occurs in a minutes. An average of 6 times. You calculate how many times you will have to hear the mucus rumble and nose snorts oer the course of the next six and one half hours (apx 2340 times). The infant continues to cry.

5) The throat clearing evolves to a constant wheezing cough and asthmatic mucus rumble. He will not stop! You long for the moments when he was just clearing his throat every ten seconds. Your thoughts begin to alternate between homicide, suicide and general concern that the man sitting DIRECTLY next to you has caught the bubonic plague from the fallen crew member. The infant continues to cry.

Yesterday D had some things to do after work (read- go to the casino with his friends) so I was left with the prospect of making anything I wanted for dinner, or at least making the type of dinner D would take one look at and think, “that’s nice, where’s diner?”. I figured I would go to one of my favorite overpriced local markets and wander around until something struck me as interesting. I made it through the produce section and the gourmet cheese area and ended up at the seafood counter where it took me three attempts to make up my mind and select some shrimp at $16.99 a lb. I don’t know if I have gotten used to smaller shrimp, or blander shrimp, or just plain old average shrimp but the moment Mr. Seafood Man passed them to me, I looked at the big gray-black tubes of flesh and immediately decided I did not want them. I really did not want them. I did not even want to hold them.  As I saw it, I had five options. They were as follows:

1) Admit that I am a complete space cadet and instantly return the shrimp to the seafood counter. Pro: I get them out of my hand right away. Con: I have to admit to Mr. Seafood Man that three tries is not quite enough opportunity for me to make up my mind when purchasing crustaceans as I had changed it again.

2) Hide the shrimp in one of the many cheese or pre-packaged sushi coolers and bolt. Pro: I do not need to admit to anyone that within a matter of 12 seconds I completely changed my mind about my protein choice. Con: if I got caught hiding the shrimp in a different area I would have to feign stupidity, look at the produce police blankly and say “oh, these don’t go here?” all while turning bright red as I attempt to bolt for the door.

3) Chuck the shrimp in the closest garbage can designed to take food sample remains and fancy coffee cups. Pro: Its quick and easy with a low risk factor for getting caught. Con: This is essentially stealing as it would be robbing the store of the $8.52 they could have gotten for my half pound of shrimp.

4) Suck it up and buy the shrimp. Pro: Least embarrassing and least unethical. Con: I don’t want the shrimp and $8.52 is one really nice drink or two sort of average drinks out of my pocket for something I will dump the second I get out of the store. There is just no way at this point I will eat the nasty looking shrimp.

5) Politely hand the shrimp to the check out girl when I purchase the rest of my groceries. Pro: Pretty ethical, seems easy. Con: Still fairly embarrassing.

I went with #5. The check out girl looked at me like I had six heads before calling over not one but TWO people to find out what the procedure was for returning food to the seafood department (can you return something you never purchased?) and asking me a bunch of questions about why I did not want the shrimp and why I got them in the first place.

So…my question is; how long to I need to wait before showing my face in the store again? And what option would have been better? Because obviously, I did not think through my exit strategy.

It’s not just me…these things look nasty.

All worm like and wet.

Behaving Badly

July 29, 2008

Even including the labor, $721.00 does not bring out the very best in me. Here are the 5 things I may have done upon hearing from my mechanic on Sunday, I am not particularly proud of any of them.

1) Throw my cell phone at D and holler “You deal with this” while I run into the extensive bra section at Target.

2) Hide out in said bra section until I compose myself enough to try to carry on a reasonable conversation, or at least am willing to try to carry on a reasonable conversation.

3) Ruin a perfectly good day of chain store shopping, eating and going to see the new Batman movie by insisting we go home NOW.

4) Call my father on the way home and cry. Ask “WHY are car repairs so expensive” and refuse to listen to his answer. Cry more. Yell a little. Not at him.

5) Get home. Eat carbs until I feel sick. Take a nap to deal with carb hangover. Wake up and ask D if my car is really, REALLY going to cost me $721.00.