MTV never hosted a show in an airport

March 16, 2009

This weekend D and I took a brief trip to see his family in Pittsburgh.   Flying can always be sort of touch and go for me but this trip we found ourselves smack in the middle of Spring Break.  If you have never been in an airport during the few weeks known as College Spring Break, I will give you this list of five ways to identify a Spring Breaker*.

1) Spring Breakers skin tone tends to be one of three shades; I have been laying in a tanning booth for weeks on end brown, I have been using some sort of skin tinting cream orange or I just spent a week laying in Cancun forgetting to apply sun block while sipping drinks with umbrellas and sexual innuendo names bright red.  Generally you see the former two on the way to Spring Break and the latter one on the way home.

2) Spring Breakers have a fairly specific uniform.  Female spring breakers run around in velour sweatsuit with words like BeBe, Pink, and University names written in sequins on the butt, tucked into ugg boots or rolled to the calf with flip flops.  Male spring breakers sport overly tight t-shirts made of some sort of stretchy rayon with jeans or cargo shorts and over sized sunglasses safely secured in gelled hair. 

3) Spring Breakers can be heard from across the terminal shouting into their cell phones.  Typical exchanges include (but are not limited too)

“But, BAYbee, of course I am going to miss you.  No, I will call every night.  I prOM-iss”

“No, you can’t be mad. My phone won’t work in (fill in the name of any island or location in Mexico).”

“WHAT?!?! I swear on my life, I will find that mother fuck*r and beat his head in. TELL me.  Don’t hang up.”

4) Spring Breakers have sex on their mind from the moment they take their last mid-term exam.  They will not allow something as mundane as waiting in an airport interfere with opportunities to meet people of the opposite sex or hook up.  They can be spotted passing notes, exchanging numbers and e-mail addresses, trying to switch seats and engaging in general flirtatious banter.

5) Spring Breakers that can not be spotted in uniform or heard on the phone can still be identified by their Spring Break smell.  Nothing says a  weeks worth of partying like the stench of day old tequila and no time to shower before you hop on a plane. 

*This post is full of gross generalizations.  It is meant to be funny.  If gross generalizations are going to offend you or your sensibilities please don’t read it.

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14 Responses to “MTV never hosted a show in an airport”

  1. Matt Says:

    I always have sex on my mind to so, I cant really be mad at them for that.

    Good point.

  2. apollocreed Says:

    God, I can’t believe you made it out of there alive.

    I can’t believe I made it out with out some sort of communicable disease.

  3. Liebchen Says:

    I may or may not have been guilty of a few of those. Maybe. Years ago…

    No judgement here.

  4. LiLu Says:

    Gross generalizations are my FAVORITE. Thank you for this!

    I discover we have more and more in common every week.

  5. NMRM Says:

    Well, well, well… here I am!

    I am neither embarrassed nor ashamed that just two short years ago this was me. But, my roommate had another very healthy habit that you forgot to mention in this post. The pre-spring break famished-ribs jutting out-OMG I need to starve myself for a month prior to wearing a bikini phenomenon. If a girl is wearing a sweatsuit home from spring break chances are… she got fat.

    Welcome NMRM!!!!! You never need to be ashamed here.

  6. JoLee Says:

    what about the popped collar? Is that for spring breakers or just general collegiate douche bags in general?

    OMG, I did not have room for this in the post but I saw the WORST popped collar outfit on some spoiled little (18 yr old) brat in the philly airport. I wanted to punch her, her popped collar, coordinating coach bag and shoes and Burberry headband in the face just on principal.


  7. I don’t think you could have explained this any better. You are spot on. I could picture them all running through the airports, tans, sweatsuits, cell phones and all.

    It was a pretty funny scene.

  8. f.B Says:

    The double-popped collars? Where some kid can’t get enough pop from one, so he pops the collar of one polo and puts ANOTHER polo on top and pops that collar as well? Horrendous.

    But I definitely think you summed up the “I’m too sexy for my brain” crowd, perfectly. Perfectly.

    More is always more when it comes to popped collars.

  9. Elizabeth Says:

    I’m offended.

    Not because my skin is orange from a foamy lotion, but because I have “Juicy” written in glitter on my butt. Not my pants, just my butt.

    You’re jealous. You know it.

    I am SO jealous.

  10. adorablybitter Says:

    I LOVE gross generalisations…
    And boy am I glad my uni life was somewhat different 😉

    I am discovering a lot of people do…


  11. hahahaha love it. You are so funny. I’m sorry we didn’t get to see each other- life has been crazy and sucky with work issues, I’ll tell you more later. Love ya!

    uh oh….

  12. Molly Says:

    Number 5 reminds me of Friday morning classes in college. Nothing says Friday morning better than the smell of last night’s frat party oozing out of the pores of the guy sitting next to you.

    Exactly!

  13. Lexi Says:

    hmmm, maybe you should write to mtv and suggest this theme?

    I think we could be on to something.

  14. Catherine Says:

    Hey Sara, G just introduced me to your blog and it’s hilarious – keep up the good work! I think the reality show idea is a good one. They could even follow the subsequent criminal proceedings that follow the stupid spring breakers who try to smuggle “things” back to the US!

    Hi Catherine, I am so glad you stopped by.

    Hmm…sounds like those kids could use some good lawyers. Know any?

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