MTV never hosted a show in an airport
March 16, 2009
This weekend D and I took a brief trip to see his family in Pittsburgh. Flying can always be sort of touch and go for me but this trip we found ourselves smack in the middle of Spring Break. If you have never been in an airport during the few weeks known as College Spring Break, I will give you this list of five ways to identify a Spring Breaker*.
1) Spring Breakers skin tone tends to be one of three shades; I have been laying in a tanning booth for weeks on end brown, I have been using some sort of skin tinting cream orange or I just spent a week laying in Cancun forgetting to apply sun block while sipping drinks with umbrellas and sexual innuendo names bright red. Generally you see the former two on the way to Spring Break and the latter one on the way home.
2) Spring Breakers have a fairly specific uniform. Female spring breakers run around in velour sweatsuit with words like BeBe, Pink, and University names written in sequins on the butt, tucked into ugg boots or rolled to the calf with flip flops. Male spring breakers sport overly tight t-shirts made of some sort of stretchy rayon with jeans or cargo shorts and over sized sunglasses safely secured in gelled hair.
3) Spring Breakers can be heard from across the terminal shouting into their cell phones. Typical exchanges include (but are not limited too)
“But, BAYbee, of course I am going to miss you. No, I will call every night. I prOM-iss”
“No, you can’t be mad. My phone won’t work in (fill in the name of any island or location in Mexico).”
“WHAT?!?! I swear on my life, I will find that mother fuck*r and beat his head in. TELL me. Don’t hang up.”
4) Spring Breakers have sex on their mind from the moment they take their last mid-term exam. They will not allow something as mundane as waiting in an airport interfere with opportunities to meet people of the opposite sex or hook up. They can be spotted passing notes, exchanging numbers and e-mail addresses, trying to switch seats and engaging in general flirtatious banter.
5) Spring Breakers that can not be spotted in uniform or heard on the phone can still be identified by their Spring Break smell. Nothing says a weeks worth of partying like the stench of day old tequila and no time to shower before you hop on a plane.
*This post is full of gross generalizations. It is meant to be funny. If gross generalizations are going to offend you or your sensibilities please don’t read it.