Yes, I mean you.

December 29, 2008

Dear Drivers around the Delaware Water Gap at apx 4:45 pm yesterday,

Since it is painfully clear you have suffered a case of amnesia and completely forgotten everything you may have learned during drivers ed.  Here are five things you may want to remember the next time you get behind the wheel.

1) When roads have 2 lanes, the left lane is reserved for those who are passing.  The right lane is where you want to drive 10 miles per hour under the speed limit.

2) If people are flying by you in the right lane and using their middle finger to show you something in the sky as they pass, you might want to consider moving over.

3) Since we are on the subject of lanes; you only get to use one of them.  This means you have to make a choice.  Driving in both is unfair, dangerous and a little greedy.

4) Sometimes, accidents happen.  It is unfortunate but true.  When you are passing an accident it is polite to focus on the seemingly impossible task of merging three lanes into two and pay attention.  Stopping dead in your tracks to look a the pretty flashing lights or smoking car is not going to give you a lot of information about the accident.  It will however give you an up-close and personal account of the accident you are about to cause.

5) GET OFF YOUR G-D DAMN CELL PHONE.  You can not talk and drive.  You can not text and drive.  You can not put on your hands free headset and drive and you can not, under any circumstances, use your Iphone to look up directions while going 82 miles per an hour into the Tappan Zee Bridge.

*As a special little side note to the the man driving the white BMW with CT plates…yes you, the one who nearly killed D and I as you swerved into my car going 94.  Listen close little man.  If I ever find you in a dark ally or alone in a parking garage…you’re dead.  I swear on my life…I am going to hurt you.  No, I am not kidding.  At all.

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10 Responses to “Yes, I mean you.”

  1. f.B Says:

    i like posts where death is promised. i also like posts that reference the Tappan Zee. the combination of both remind me of home.

    ah, death and stupidity… the wonders of the tri-state area.

  2. Matt Says:

    I look forward to the day when gps driven robots control most people’s cars and only those who show an aptitude for controlling a car are allowed to go into manual driving mode.

    I only wish that day was last Saturday.

  3. Elizabeth Says:

    Listen close little man. My favorite.

    I hate people. Not you. Other people.

    aww, shucks….


  4. Man driving expensive car + driving far faster than is prudent = little man x 2

    VERY little man

  5. Erin Says:

    I agree with Elzabeth. People suck.

    Glad you made it home safe.

    It was touch and go there for a few seconds, but I did manage to make it home in one piece

  6. Sam Says:

    road rage carries over to blog rage LOL

    Does this precede the blog by shooting?

    Sorry…I knew it was bad, I just could not resist

  7. Liebchen Says:

    Oh this is so good – and so true. I also hate bridge driving in general. I had a traumatic experience once on the George Washington. NOT pretty.

  8. Rachel Says:

    So true. Sounds an awful lot like Pittsburgh!

  9. Matt Says:

    You should seriously look into teaching drivers ed.

    If they still have that.

  10. Mike Says:

    So this is the first post i’ve read in like forever..and it’s so good to come home. Especially to a classic like this. Missed you.

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