“Take a look in the five-and-ten, glistening once again”

December 18, 2008

Forget the calander…here are five ways you can really tell it is fall in New England.

1) People suddenly forget how to drive. Rain in April, no problem. Rain in December…FREAK OUT. And this is coming from arguably the worst driver to ever recieve a liscence legally.

2)Commutes increase by 20 minutes due to the number of mommies and daddies driving their kids to school. Apparently children born after 1990 have a lower core temerature than anyone born during the Carter or Regan years and have a serious risk of contracting hypothermia if the temperature drops below 40 and they, heaven forbid, have to wait outside. They have also stopped making hats and scarves and mittens or maybe they just don’t sell them at Limited Too.

3) There are pot holes in the road the size of Rhode Island. I don’t know how it is possible to have such large holes in the roads surface with out losing a small un-hatted child. Forget about  government works projects developing new roads and infrastructure….lets start by fixing the ones we have got. I and my tires thank you.

4) You are forced to check Accuweather three times a day to see what you should be wearing any time you want to leave your house. 65 and sunny Monday does not mean it won’t be 41 and rainy on Tuesday. Finally get out those rain boots out and they freeze solid on Wednesday when it is a whopping 8. Don’t get too comfortable.  Thursday they are calling for 52 with sun showers before that nor’ester moves in on Friday so you better stop for a show shovel on your way home from work.

5) Every local bar and pub has replaced their lovely regular beers on tap with some sort of winter-wonder-fest monstrosity promising to taste of cinnamon, clove or wrapping paper. Even worse, they insist on serving this potpourri of alcoholic artificial flavors in a sugared and spiced glass. I am not making this up*.

*I am really not making this up. Last week when I ordered a pint of beer at one of my formerly favorite bars, the bartender said, “would you like that in a sugared glass?”. “oh no” I replied, “I did not want a margarita, just a beer”. “I know” she said, “the winter ale comes in a sugared glass”. No lie.


10 Responses to ““Take a look in the five-and-ten, glistening once again””

  1. Anna Says:

    No way. Gonna name the bar for us? You know, so we can bring our own glasses?

    Hey, did ordering the photos work out for you?
    If not let me know and I can make a CD!

    It did, thank you!

  2. fritz Says:

    hum, beer and sugar? there is something fundamentally wrong about that…

    Disturbing and wrong, so very wrong.

  3. Matt Says:

    Sam adams christmas ale…

    probably the only christmas type beer I would drink. Im glad denver doesn’t replace regular beer…I would be upset, to say the least

    That is the beer I ordered when the sugar incident of 2008 occurred. Sick, sick people.

  4. Beth Says:

    wow this is so true. why does rhode island insist on having the worst drivers and the worst potholes of ALL TIME. just everything having to do with roads, driving, laws, or tar here is BAD.

    Have you seen the sign that says “turn on red from right lane only”? Because, it exists and apparently people need this clarified.

  5. f.B Says:

    “maybe they just don’t sell them at Limited Too.”


    Thanks. Although I did just fess up to knowing what Limited Too even was…

  6. Liebchen Says:

    #1 and #5 are really just unforgivable. Learn how to drive and don’t try to doll up my beer.


    Totally unforgivable, beer should just be left alone.

  7. Any bar (or bartender for that matter) that puts beer in a sugared glass is just begging to be mocked. Come on, name names, drop dimes.

    Agreed, if you ever head to the NE, I will happily send you a warning list of the offenders

  8. Erin Says:

    NO SHIT about the potholes. Like, seriously?

    It is only going to get worse

  9. apollocreed Says:

    I hate fancy flavored beers. They always make me feel so full. It’s like, if I wanted to eat a loaf of bread, I would’ve.

    Yes, the only beer that should feel like a meal is Guinness.

  10. Matt Says:

    If Rhode Island is in New England and potholes in New England are the size of Rhode Island does that mean that Rhode Island spends all winter as a giant sink hole?


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