The end of a friendship
December 8, 2008
Dear Cranberry and Vodka,
I never wanted it to come to this; but our friendship is officially over for the following five reasons.
-You make me sick. Literally, you make me sicker than a five year old with a stomach flu on a transatlantic flight. How do you mange to turn two lovely things like cranberry juice and vodka into such stomach retching poison?
-You continually lure me back to your evil ways. Even when I think that we will never spend another night together, you sit there cold and fresh, mocking me with your tasty goodness until I fold.
-You speed up the earths rotation and make time move faster than Usain Bolt. One minute it is last call and three of you and your friends later my clock is showing 5:15.
-You leave the worlds worst headaches in your wake. If the empty vodka bottle shattered and shards of its glass were repeatedly jabbed through my eyeballs it would not hurt nearly as much as you do.
-You climb into my brain and take my happy memories. The headache and the stomachache and the loss of 6 hours of my life would not be nearly as insulting if I had any recollection of it. But no, you rob me of the one simple pleasure of remembering the night I had while I suffer with the consequences in the morning.
For this and many other reasons we are no longer friends. This time, I mean it. You never cared about me anyway.