No Woman’s Land

August 13, 2008

Many of you may remember Mike one of my earlier posts.  He is a great husband, a great dad and a great friend and very nicely agreed to do his own “If I had to pick five” for my first guest post.  You can check him out over at I Got Nuthin’.

I’m Mike from I Got Nothin’, and I’m happy to be sitting in today for my work wife. Er, former work wife. It’s not like we divorced or anything. Heck, I’m not even sure it’s a legal separation. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. Work isn’t the same since we parted ways. But thanks to the blogosphere, we can stay connected. And, today, that gives me the chance to give you a look into a place where most of you probably never see. That’s right, today you’re going to meet “Five Guys You’ll Find in the Men’s Room.”
There’s always a talker. Ladies, you aren’t the only ones to go to the bathroom in pairs. We do it, too. And, the most annoying thing ever is standing in front of a wall of urinals with your buddy on either side of you wanting to continue the conversation he started before you went in. I don’t want to talk while I’m doing my business, thank you. I don’t care how important it is. And, the most annoying thing about a talker? When he sees you aren’t complying with his need for conversation, he’ll start asking questions to get you to talk. Shut your trap, talker. Please.
Even more annoying than the talker is the looker. And, there are lookers. It’s crazy. You’re standing there, again, along the wall of urinals, and you can sense the guy on the side of you trying to take a peak at what you’ve got going for you. It’s crazy, but it seems guys (present company excluded) always have to compare, and I’m not just talking about power tools. I’ve never understood this. Because, I gotta tell you, if I ever have the desire to look at another man’s penis, it’s not going to be while he’s taking a leak. I’m sorry, but it’s not.
The guy who wants you to look, however, is hands-on hips man. There’s always one guy in there that, how shall we say it?, is, well, gifted. And that’s fine. Really it is. But he shouldn’t brag about it – verbally or otherwise. But, hands-on hips man is so confident in his size and ability that he literally stands in front of the urinal with his hands on his hips and his back arched a little bit to get the job done. He obviously doesn’t need any hands-on assistance, which is fine, but when the hands go on the hips in an obvious sign of superiority, you almost hope he’s got a talker next to him.
You always feel a little sympathy for stage fright man. He’s the poor guy who is standing there and standing there and standing there and nothing happens. All guys have suffered through this at one point in their lives. So it’s like there’s a code. You don’t say, ‘aw, don’t worry, bud, it’ll happen for you.’ No, what you do is flush for him – when you arrive and when you leave. See, the sound of running water helps stage fright man. And despite the lookers and the talkers, when you’re lined up against a wall of urinals, it’s a brotherhood.
One step below stage fright man is self-conscious man. This is the guy who just doesn’t feel right about the urinal. Whatever it is, he’ll wait to get into a stall, even if there are urinals open. Something scares him. Maybe it’s stage fright in an unfamiliar place. Maybe it’s being stuck next to a looker. Or maybe he’s making a conscious effort to avoid his friend the talker. Whatever it is, he’s got to go, but he’s only going in a stall.
So, there you have it. What else? I got nothin’.

7 Responses to “No Woman’s Land”

  1. JenBun Says:

    Everytime I see a guy come out of the men’s room now, I am going to mutter under my breath which of these I think he is…

    Hooray! Thanks for this rare glimpse, Mike! 😀

  2. hahahahaha.. awesome guest post! I win because I gave Sara a nickname, I betcha you didn’t come up with THAT ONE, mr. work husband. uh? I’m not jealous, and this is not a competition, but I’m Sara’s blog sister. Sisters are closer than husbands. HA!

  3. Anna Says:

    hee-larious. Love hands on hips guy. Wondering which ones my sons will grow up to be!

  4. Chelle Says:

    I actually had to ask my hubbie if Hands-On Hips guy really existed. Apparently he does, but it is a rarity.

    Had to wipe away the tears on this one… Seriously the best post ever!

  5. Jennie Says:

    I am SO stage-fright woman. Hate it. At least there’s a stall to help me hide in those times. Can’t imagine having to use a urinal.

  6. Erin Says:

    Classic stuff here. Thanks for the laugh!

  7. JC Says:

    For the record.

    Where I work – we USED TO HAVE –


    3 urinals across
    mini metal wall separating each urinal
    HUMP THE URINAL MAN would stretch his legs out and violate “the code” and always go to the middle urinal
    violate the foot space on each side of the metal walls (because they dont go all the way down) by spreading out
    Violate the top of the metal wall space by resting both his arms on them
    Lean In and then head back


    I blogged about him somewhere – hahahahaha.

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