Let’s give them something to talk about…

June 25, 2008

Presently, I am on a beach vacation on the eastern shore.  Never one to miss an opportunity for some people watching, here are the five folks who are giving me something to talk about

1) The Family Man – This is the man who arrived at the beach with his full family in tow. He looked around, noticed the entire eastern seaboard was completely empty, and chose to sit right next to me.  Then, to really make me feel welcome and a part of the family, he put one blanket beside me, his chairs in front of me and choose to yell from one to the other while I tired to close my eyes and pretend the whole thing was not happening.  I will let all of you guess how long it took me to pick up my chair and walk off in a huff*.

2) The Innocent Daughter –  The one who is quite obviously on a vacation with her family (I jumped to this conclusion after hearing her call another women ‘mom’) and decided that the most appropriate swim suit she owned was an itsy bitsy silver metallic bikini whose bottom most certainly had a former life as a hair elastic.  To make sure the top covered as little of her silicone filled ta-ta’s as possible, she scrunched the triangles to thin slivers of nothingness and proceeded to apply oil vigorously. With all that skin showing, you certainly need to focus on your tan.

3) The Born Athlete – The man who tried unsuccessfully 8 times to board his surf kayak in the surf and after being dumped, clobbered, crunched and near drowned by the ocean, climbed aboard the flotation device and had three of his friends PULL him from the sand to the sea.  I don’t know who looked worse, the guy, his friends or the poor kayak who quite frankly, deserved better than that.

4) Father Knows Best – This fine specimen of paternal wonder apparently thought that the best way to teach his child to ride waves, was to stand at the edge of the shore and yell “go farther!  No, that’s not far enough.  GO FARTHER.  Whats wrong with you? FARTHER!”  I know he was hesitant to actually get in the water to help his son, for fear that he may get salt water in his ice cold Bud Light (at 11 in the morning) but perhaps his child has gone far enough.  Perhaps the child does not want to get swept to sea with his $11.99  boogie board  and the lingering words of his fathers advice for comfort.

5) The Good Samaritan –  This woman took it upon herself to call 911 to report dolphins were swimming too close to the shore and then felt compelled to go from blanket to blanket to tell us what she had done.  Now, are they going to arrest these dolphins for unlawful entry to a swimming area?  Are the going to keep them in a holding cell for questioning?  Do you think they can call flipper to serve as a jury of their peers?  The only thing I want to know more than WHAT was going through this woman’s mind when she frantically dialed 911 to report the dolphins, was the look on the 911 operators face when he/she took the call.

*I would like to note here that it is extremely difficult to storm off in a huff on the sand.  There in not nearly enough loud stomping sounds to be made and if your storming involves exasperated marching, you might trip up on the sand and fall down.  I suggest that if you find yourself in this situation, you give as dirty of a look as possible with out getting into a fist fight and walk away elegantly.

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7 Responses to “Let’s give them something to talk about…”

  1. Mike Says:

    LOVE this. My favorite? The kayak deserving better. Classic.

  2. elizabethews Says:

    Damn dolphins with their dancing and their music. How dare they…

    You are a natural blogger. Now I shall strive to be more like you (but not in a creepy way 😉 )

  3. Molly Says:

    omg please tell me the Innocent Daughter was at least 18!

  4. bkclubcare Says:

    very funny. I have to ‘fess up that I once called 911 when a cow was blocking my way on a road. I had to turn around and go the long way around. The 911 operator was very pleasant to me.

    No one is guessing how long to storm off? 2-3 minutes? I hope you emitted some long loud sighs or hrumphs while kicking some sand around.

  5. Jennie Says:

    Wow – I hope you realize how funny you are.

    I laughed out loud thinking about you storming off in a huff in the sand.

    You totally nailed the beach population. I was at the beach in March and saw these exact same people. I don’t know why I even bother taking books to the beach – there’s too much to take in and I can’t be bothered with a book.


  6. ha! I LOVE the father that keeps sending his kid farther into the ocean. While he drinks beer. And I laughed out loud when you wrote about not being able to look annoying while walking away in the sand. It’s so true! Thump and fall!

  7. Erin Says:

    “This fine specimen of paternal wonder” – I LOVE IT! My visuals kept getting better and better with each desciption.

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