The Freaks Come Out at Night
June 15, 2008
As aforementioned, I live in a coastal tourist town. By day, it is full of yacht-y folks sporting navy blazers with gold buttons and a Vineyard Vines tie or this seasons hottest Lilly pattern. However, by night… it s a full on drunken circus complete with a cast of characters worthy of an MTV real life episode. Here are the five classy individual’s who took a stroll outside my window at 1:30 this morning and the five things I really wanted to say to them.
Ms. Foreign Relations – Placing yourself in the center of the street and screaming at the top of your lungs, “but I WANT THAI FOOD” is not going to compel the lovely Thai family at the end of the block to open up their restaurant and cook for you. It may however compel me to throw blunt objects at your head. No jury would convict me.
Ms. Mass Communications – While announcing to the hundreds of people pouring out of the local bar that you have not gotten laid in TWO MONTHS and you NEED TO GET LAID NOW, will probably, in fact, get you laid… I can almost guarantee you will regret it. You seriously need to rethink your wing women (and your outfit)
Mr. Mergers and Acquisitions – I am sure that leaving the bar at 1:30 in the morning has your mind squarely on meeting your soul mate. However, this merger will not be easily facilitated by asking each and every person with breasts what they do for a living, where they live and if they are here for the ENTIRE summer or if its just a one nighter. Too bad you missed Ms. Mass Communications, you guys would have been perfect for each other!
The Sharks and The Jets – Please take your rumble somewhere else. I am sure that you are all in your fully correct frame of mind, and whatever has started this brawl is by all means worth it. However, I am in no mood to hear your shouting, taunting, threats or banter. It is not witty, it is not cute, it is not sexy or even very manly. It is actually quite pathetic.
The Local Police Force- WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE!!!! I am sure you are extremely tired from your day of writing tickets to people with out of state plates, looking annoyed at traffic intersections and blowing through red lights to get absolutely no where, but there is a BAR BRAWL going on outside my window. Could you please at least show up and TRY to control it?
NOTE: I mean no disrespect to law enforcement officials, I know lots and lots of officers that I respect and admire. However, there have been four nights THIS month where I have been awaken to either a domestic disturbance, a bar brawl or the sound of a screaming woman begging whomever she was with to leave her alone. I have called the police on all occasions and have yet to see and actual uniformed officer show up. Its not easy being rational with out any sleep.