Runaway brain, never comin’ back….

May 22, 2008

I have started running. Not because I want to BE a ‘runner’ but because the other week I had to jog back into the house to grab my cell phone and it took me two blocks to catch my breath. I needed to do something. Anyway, here are the 5 things that most frequently go through my feeble mind while out on a run.

1) I should not look at my watch. I really want to look at my watch. Its ok, I have been running for easily 20 minutes. 12 minutes? I have only been running for 12 minutes! My watch is broken. My watch has got to be broken. 12 minutes and 8 seconds, see… it is definitely broken. The minute I finish this run I am going out to buy a new watch.

2) I think I am getting a cramp. I am most definitely getting a stomach cramp. Ouch, cramp hurts. Cannot breathe with stomach cramp. Oh no, I am getting a cramp in my collarbone. Wait; can you get a cramp in your collarbone? This can’t be good. Why is the collarbone cramp not taking my mind off the stomach cramp? Does the combination stomach cramp and collarbone cramp mean anything? Is this how heart failure presents itself in women? Oh no, I feel a cramp coming on in my right pinky. Maybe it will take my mind off the stomach cramp. Nope, still hurts.

3) Is that man in the gray car slowing down? Why is that man in the gray car slowing down? He could be a predator; he is most definitely a predator. He is almost stopped. He is going to grab me. If he tries to grab me, can I run? No, NO I cannot run! I cannot run because my stomach is cramped and I am too tired from my run. Why, WHY would I engage in an athletic endeavor that reduces my chances of escaping an evil gray car-driving predator? Running is stupid. Wait.. where did the predator go?

4) Ok girl in the blue shorts, I know that you can pass me. I know that you can pass me because you have been gaining on me for the last 1/2 mile and are now sticking on my right side like cyclist drafting in the tour de France. PASS ME ALREADY. And for the record, blue short girl… I could run that fast too if I weighted 108 pounds…. and I did not have a full time JOB! I hate blue shorts girl. I hope she gets a collarbone cramp.

5) This run is taking too long, I must have blacked out from the stomach cramp pain and taken a wrong turn. I am lost. I am most certainly lost. Maybe I will just knock on that person’s door and call for a ride home. Wait… I think that is the gray predator car in the driveway; will not be knocking on the predator’s door. I am never running again… oh wait, That’s my turn. That’s my street, I have made great time, this is an excellent run. I love running.


7 Responses to “Runaway brain, never comin’ back….”

  1. Molly Says:

    Hahahahah. I have a very similar inner monologue at the gym – minus the predator part. But there’s always a skinny girl (often in spandex, working out with her hair DOWN and not even breaking a sweat) that I’d like to clobber with a free weight.

  2. Mike Says:

    Your best post yet. And I’m with you, I hate the blue shorts girl. But, wait, are they short shorts?!

  3. elizabethews Says:

    Have stomach cramp from laughing. I can 100% see you running and having all those thoughts.

    (what’s this crap you told me about not being a good blogger???)

  4. OMG that was so funny! I agree with elizabeth you are a great blogger!!!

  5. hahaha, like Molly, your inner monologue resembles mine at the gym. I cover the stairmaster with a towel so I dont see the timer.

    You are a great blogger, by the way! time to change the rambler thing in your about me page. 🙂

  6. Amanda Says:

    Hey, I just stumbled upon your blog and this post was really great. I definitely can relate to the predator paranoia. Now if I could only stick to my work-out routines…

  7. Beth Says:

    Your running chronicles are truly fantastic. This is my exact inner monologue when I am running.

    Also, at some point in the run I start trying to convince myself I should stop because fat people are really cute and that I don’t care all that much about being thin. Usually something like “You know what? EVERYONE loves the fat, funny friend! Seriously! Being skinny is SO mainstream, being fat would be so edgy. And if a guy likes me, I would know it is for me and not just because I am smokin hot! Yes, this is definitely the way to go. Weed out all the shallow ones right away. I should just stop running now and go find a fried fish sandwich.”

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