While out on my run today I once again spotted blue short girl. Here are the five reasons I believe I am better than her.

1) I too have a pair of blue shorts. However, mine do not require a bikini wax and navel jewelry to be worn out in public.

2) As aformentioned, I do not weigh 108 lbs. Running would be alot easier if I too were built like a Ukrainian gymnast.

3) I easily have 10 years on blue short girl. That is 10 extra years of beer weight, nacho weight and “sure I would love another cream puff” weight that I am carrying around. Not to mention, 10 extra years of mistakes I have to dwell on, which proves to be very distracting during a run.

4) I give every runner I see the standard runner nod and wave as well as a cursory good morning if my breathing pattern and concern about potential heart failure allow it. Blue short girl does not nod, make eye contact or look up from her perfectly tanned Ukrainian gymnast legs to say hello, and that is rude. A swing of her long blond ponytail does not count as an acknowledgment.

5) I get stomach cramps! I know that does not make me better than blue short girl but I feel like I should get some extra credit for running around for 40 min feeling like I have two daggers sticking out of my abdomen. (As a side note here- If anyone has any thoughts or advice about preventing stomach cramps, or collar bone cramps or pinky cramps which hurt just as bad, I would love to hear them)

PS: A note to my precious few readers- This entire post is meant in jest. I do not, under any circumstances believe that I am better than anyone… trust me.

Continuing Education

May 28, 2008

Tomorrow I am having dinner with a former boss who is retiring after years of devoted service to the University of Rhode Island and its fortunate student body. Here are the five things I learned from her.

1) To believe in myself, even when it feels like it its bucking common sense

2) To remember that everyone is replaceable in the office, but you are the only you in your family

3) To follow my dreams, even when the path is rocky and dangerous

4) To know the difference between quitting and moving on and to be ok with either decision

5) To always leave my doors open, you never know who will want, or need to come inside

I have started running. Not because I want to BE a ‘runner’ but because the other week I had to jog back into the house to grab my cell phone and it took me two blocks to catch my breath. I needed to do something. Anyway, here are the 5 things that most frequently go through my feeble mind while out on a run.

1) I should not look at my watch. I really want to look at my watch. Its ok, I have been running for easily 20 minutes. 12 minutes? I have only been running for 12 minutes! My watch is broken. My watch has got to be broken. 12 minutes and 8 seconds, see… it is definitely broken. The minute I finish this run I am going out to buy a new watch.

2) I think I am getting a cramp. I am most definitely getting a stomach cramp. Ouch, cramp hurts. Cannot breathe with stomach cramp. Oh no, I am getting a cramp in my collarbone. Wait; can you get a cramp in your collarbone? This can’t be good. Why is the collarbone cramp not taking my mind off the stomach cramp? Does the combination stomach cramp and collarbone cramp mean anything? Is this how heart failure presents itself in women? Oh no, I feel a cramp coming on in my right pinky. Maybe it will take my mind off the stomach cramp. Nope, still hurts.

3) Is that man in the gray car slowing down? Why is that man in the gray car slowing down? He could be a predator; he is most definitely a predator. He is almost stopped. He is going to grab me. If he tries to grab me, can I run? No, NO I cannot run! I cannot run because my stomach is cramped and I am too tired from my run. Why, WHY would I engage in an athletic endeavor that reduces my chances of escaping an evil gray car-driving predator? Running is stupid. Wait.. where did the predator go?

4) Ok girl in the blue shorts, I know that you can pass me. I know that you can pass me because you have been gaining on me for the last 1/2 mile and are now sticking on my right side like cyclist drafting in the tour de France. PASS ME ALREADY. And for the record, blue short girl… I could run that fast too if I weighted 108 pounds…. and I did not have a full time JOB! I hate blue shorts girl. I hope she gets a collarbone cramp.

5) This run is taking too long, I must have blacked out from the stomach cramp pain and taken a wrong turn. I am lost. I am most certainly lost. Maybe I will just knock on that person’s door and call for a ride home. Wait… I think that is the gray predator car in the driveway; will not be knocking on the predator’s door. I am never running again… oh wait, That’s my turn. That’s my street, I have made great time, this is an excellent run. I love running.

The Sprung Spring

May 20, 2008

With Memorial Day right around the corner and summer quickly approaching, here are my five favorite things about spring.

The smell of lilacs, although I am more than slightly allergic, I can get enough of it. I have been known to be late for things because I am in the garden picking lilacs at 7:00 in the morning. Molly can attest to it.

The color green – the deep green of maples and grey-green of evergreens, the tender green of grass and the radiant green of tulip leaves. My eyes ache for green all winter

The feel of soft newborn grass under my freshly bare feet as the first warm breeze whips through my toes. A sensation that cannot be re-created

The taste of food the first time it comes off the grill for the season; grilled veggies, grilled chicken, grilled burgers, grilled polenta, grilled fish…. I am an equal opportunity griller.

The sound of children laughing outside my open office window. I am no anthropologist but the game of tag seems to transcend age, race, gender and religion…. Perhaps the UN should take it into consideration at their next meeting.*

* – if nothing else, this is a great visual, imagine Bush running around after Prime Minister Gordon Brown yelling “I’m gonna getcha”. classic.

Mom Knows Best…

May 16, 2008

Due to last weekends travels, this weekend I will be celebrating mothers day with my mom. Here are five of my favorite things about her, or at least the first 5 that came to mind.

1) She calls me sar-bear and somehow, it does not sound like she is equating me to a 300 lb hairy beast.

2) When I was 15 she called me at work to say there was a family emergency and she was coming to pick me up. When she arrived she informed me that there was no emergency and she was taking me to a Tom Petty concert. That night, the only person cooler than Tom Petty was her.

3) When she slips me $20, she calls it ‘pin money’ and insists I spend it on something frivolous

4) When she bakes, she measures water by the eggshell, the same way her mother did.

5) She has the best advice and always waits to be asked before she gives it.

After all that airport time on Friday, I did get to spend some wonderful time with my nieces and nephews.   Here are my 5 favorite things about being an Aunt.

1) Play time – organized games, pick up games and made up games; dress up, performances and pretend

2) Story time –  stories they tell me or I tell them, with or with out books, pictures or logical endings

3) Nap time – their desire to be tucked in or snuggled beside, the quiet request to have ones back rubbed or special blanket given

4) Our time – time away from mom and dad when I get the real story behind how a rock collided with their brothers’ forehead or why they did not want to share their special angel wings

5) This time – the moment where I think they will never be cuter, funnier or more brilliant than they are at this very second and knowing that second won’t  last.

After spending nearly all of my weekend in various airports in the northeast, here are the five people I most seriously wanted to have a heart-to-heart with

Mr. Check in Man- When we went to check our bags and get our boarding group B tickets and specifically asked you if the flight was delayed… that would have been the appropriate time to inform us that yes, the flight is running a mere six hours behind schedule. It would have saved us from having to go back to long term parking to get the car to go find something to eat besides soggy salad and greasy chips.

Ms. Cell Phone Lady- While I realize your job as the worst dressed* most important person on the planet is highly vital to your target sales group, stake holders, branch mangers and identified priority unit…. Not one of us in the overcrowded uncomfortable waiting area cares. Ms. I am going to remain calm despite the fact that my 5 year old is having a total melt down, looked like she was going to kill you at least three times. I would not have stopped her.

* Molly– she was wearing white nylons with back strappy sandals… seriously.

Miss. Bathroom Bolter – Why don’t you wash your hands?!?!?! Your plane will wait 25 seconds for you to do a courtesy rub under water. This is a public restroom in an international airport! It is a Mecca for those coming and going and a breeder of foreign germs mixing with local infections. Please, please for all that is healthy and good…. Wash your hands!

Ms. Nose picker- yes, I called you a nose picker. That is because you dug into your nasal cavity twice before handing me my pre-packaged salad and once before giving me my $1.57 in change. I know it was a dollar fifty-seven because I thought… it is not worth the dollar fifty-seven to touch the nose picker change. You should have lunch with Miss Bathroom Bolter.

Little Mr. Melt Down- you are an ok dude in my book. You were calmer than I was for the first four hours of our delay and you did everything in your power to irritate Ms. Cell Phone Lady. I only wish you had thrown something at her so I could give a satisfied you-get-what-you-deserve look.

Five things I can not do (right now) and wish I could

1) speak Spanish- after a week in Mexico with my brother who can order food and actually get food (I on the other hand, wanted lunch and ordered a table) I vowed to learn.

2) keep bee’s- this is something I swore I was going to do this spring, but was quickly halted by some slightly suspicious neighbors and irritating town ordinances. Apparently, most people don’t want swarms of bees in tourist towns.

3) go to work sans bra- its not that I am huge or anything…. but I definatly can’t get away with one of those shelf bra tank tops and I feel like Mondays would seem less overwhelming if I did not have to put a bra on.

4) use my driver when I tee off- it was confiscated by my father after I accidentally hit a maintenance worker on a pubic golf course.

5) take away a friends pain- I know this one is a little obvious but lately I have had some friends go through some very difficult times and I would do just about anything to be able to take their pain away.

…maybe some day

The five things that make me most nervous about having a blog

1) technology – the world wide web and I are not friends

2) general incompetence- not being able to figure out how to do things like change my user ID (this took me a solid two hours and a tutorial with Mike)

3) writing something that will embarrass me, my friends or my family

4) realizing that I am 100% correct and the general public really does not care about what I have to say

5) realizing that I am wrong, and someone, somewhere out there, does care what I have to say and I, will sound like a total moron