January 15, 2009
After a long day at work and a nice dinner out with D, last night I sat down to watch some brilliant television programs. Since I only watch things that are meaningful and educational (lie, lie, total lie) I put on a Top Chef and an old Real Housewives of Orange County* and prepared to be entertained. I don’t know how many of you watch programs like this, or will admit to watching programs like this, but if you have seen any reality t.v. at all…you know the drill. Which brings me to the following. If you ever plan on going on a reality t.v. show, you might want to refrain from doing this five things:
1) Cheat on your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancee or spouse. Why? Because their is a 100% chance that the minute you start messing around, hooking up or ‘inocently’ snuggling on the couch…it is going to make national television.
2) Say things that are racist, homophobic, bigoted or just plain stupid. Why? Because the moment you utter something that is going to offend someone or make you look like a moron…it is going to make national television. And, just in case we did not hear it clearly, they will put it in type at the bottom of the screen.
3) Take your clothes off, mock strip or run around naked. Why? This too will go on national t.v. and trust me…those blurry ‘modesty’ bars are just not as modest as one might think.
4) Get into any sort of physical confrontation. Why? Not only will they put this on national t.v. they will play in over and over and over again. They will put it to music, they will play it in slow motion, they will play it backwards and forwards and backwards again. People will be able to analyze the way you throw and upper right cut to Ozzy intros for years to come.
5) Be a total drunken mess….every single day. Why? We have all been total drunken messes. In fact (due to the evils of cranberry and vodka) we have all done some fairly stupid things we would rather forget that somehow a more sober friend has caught on still film. This happens. But, when they show you on national telivision dunk out of your mind week after week, you begin to get a reputation. Perhaps this is the reputation you want now, but some day you may actually want a job. And think about it, would you ever hire Ruthie from the Real World to manage your 401K?
*Yes, I know this show is terrible and if you want to judge me for watching a bunch of self centered spoiled obnoxious silicone filled and botox injected women run around making utter fools of themselves week after week you can. But, it makes me happy and I don’t judge you.