March 31, 2009
I know you were all waiting for some sort of post about how amazing Hawaii was, and I hate to disappoint*. BUT, this morning I was driving to work and I heard this story about the ShamWow guy getting arrested in Miami last month. I know some of you are big fans of the ShamWow so I could not let this event go with out mentioning these five questions about this amazing story.
1) How is it that Mr. Schlomi was arrested a whole month ago and we are only hearing about it now? You would think that the news had an international financial crisis or a migrant ship capsizing off Libya to report on. Doesn’t the NY Times have room for this now that Blagojevich’s hair has gone away and Madoff has stopped smuggling jewelry out of his apartment?
2)It costs $1,000 to have ‘strait sex’ with a hooker? Someone should tell these guys that for $40 worth of booze they could impress a girl at bar and get laid for free. You would think for a grand she would toss in a little something extra.
3) What would possess anyone to bite someones tongue? Didn’t people watch Real World San Francisco? Have we learned nothing from the woes of Puck?
4) How did the police possibly keep a strait face while they brought this guy in? Is there any possible way they made it to the station with out making a joke about cleaning up ones own mess?
5) Why am I so ridiculously interested in this story? I went to not one, not two but three different web sites to verify its accuracy**. I don’t think I have relied on that much media since the electoral college appeared on an ice map.
* who am I kidding, no one really wants to hear that I spent 10 days in paradise where the weather was 81 and sunny every day and the balcony from my hotel room looked out over the ocean.
** if this story is not true, please don’t leave me a mean comment telling me to check my sources. I am fully aware that my sources are absurd but lets face it, most of this blog is absurd.
PS: I want to thank my husband D for doing an amazing and hilarious guest post for me while I was away. He is literally that funny all the time.
March 23, 2009
I have written about him…and you have read about him. But until now, you have never really met him. Here is a guest post from my husband, D.
Since sara is off “working” in Hawaii for the next week (tough life), its time for ‘D’ to step in with a guest blog titled:
Lines that sound good or harmless unless said by your girlfriend/ wife.
“Let’s have a chat (or talk)”
-Typical meaning: Light conversation with friends, usually involves laughter and drinks.
-Real meaning: You better sit down and clear your schedule for the night cause this one could take a while. No food, no drinks, just you staring at the ceiling with many head nods. These chats or talks usually end with the male saying, “well that’s just the way I was born” because you are left with no other explanations for your inappropriate behavior.
“You do whatever you want”
-Typical meaning: You have total freedom to choose to your liking.
-Real meaning: You have no choice as it has already been decided for you. You are just hearing this because you picked the wrong choice. Cover up your wrong choice by just saying you were joking around and of course you would like too (insert correct choice here).
“I don’t care either way”
-Typical meaning: Its your choice.
-Real meaning: This is very similar to the aforementioned line with one exception, you still have a chance to pick the correct choice. You can go with two routes, pick the unappealing choice or go with your gut and get ready to battle it out. Just know that this could lead to the “lets have a talk” line a couple of days down the road.
“I’m not mad”
-Typical meaning: Everything is cool and life is good.
-Real meaning: Life is not good, she is really pissed and has probably been mad for 2 straight weeks now. Good luck with finding out what she is mad about as that question is usually answered with this next doozy….
-Typical meaning: proceed as normal.
-Real meaning: it is completely and entirely not fine. It’s the complete opposite of fine (bad and poor according to Webster’s) This means you did something really really bad and it’s too late to reconcile. There is no hope with this one as this is the granddaddy of them all. No matter how many times you ask or repeat the question, you will get the same answer…”its fine”. There is no living male that can get past this line.
What else did I forget? Even seeing these terms in writing made me flinch a bit.
thanks for having me,
March 16, 2009
This weekend D and I took a brief trip to see his family in Pittsburgh. Flying can always be sort of touch and go for me but this trip we found ourselves smack in the middle of Spring Break. If you have never been in an airport during the few weeks known as College Spring Break, I will give you this list of five ways to identify a Spring Breaker*.
1) Spring Breakers skin tone tends to be one of three shades; I have been laying in a tanning booth for weeks on end brown, I have been using some sort of skin tinting cream orange or I just spent a week laying in Cancun forgetting to apply sun block while sipping drinks with umbrellas and sexual innuendo names bright red. Generally you see the former two on the way to Spring Break and the latter one on the way home.
2) Spring Breakers have a fairly specific uniform. Female spring breakers run around in velour sweatsuit with words like BeBe, Pink, and University names written in sequins on the butt, tucked into ugg boots or rolled to the calf with flip flops. Male spring breakers sport overly tight t-shirts made of some sort of stretchy rayon with jeans or cargo shorts and over sized sunglasses safely secured in gelled hair.
3) Spring Breakers can be heard from across the terminal shouting into their cell phones. Typical exchanges include (but are not limited too)
“But, BAYbee, of course I am going to miss you. No, I will call every night. I prOM-iss”
“No, you can’t be mad. My phone won’t work in (fill in the name of any island or location in Mexico).”
“WHAT?!?! I swear on my life, I will find that mother fuck*r and beat his head in. TELL me. Don’t hang up.”
4) Spring Breakers have sex on their mind from the moment they take their last mid-term exam. They will not allow something as mundane as waiting in an airport interfere with opportunities to meet people of the opposite sex or hook up. They can be spotted passing notes, exchanging numbers and e-mail addresses, trying to switch seats and engaging in general flirtatious banter.
5) Spring Breakers that can not be spotted in uniform or heard on the phone can still be identified by their Spring Break smell. Nothing says a weeks worth of partying like the stench of day old tequila and no time to shower before you hop on a plane.
*This post is full of gross generalizations. It is meant to be funny. If gross generalizations are going to offend you or your sensibilities please don’t read it.
March 11, 2009
After I posted some picture of my office last week, I had some questions about what the heck it is that I do. I work at a museum and for the most part my job is fairly basic and boring. Here are five of my job functions and some examples.
1) I set up and organize committee meetings, which can be quite challenging. For example: This morning I get an e-mail from my boss. “you need to take so-and-so off your committee list, he resigned from board to take a post with the new administration”. Of course he did. Some people will go to great lenghts to avoid committee work.
2) I do basic problem solving and trouble shooting. For example: Yesterday I walk down to get a cup of coffee and the first floor of our building is FREEZING. I have a conversation that goes something like this.
me: Why is it so cold down here?
co-worker: we are measuring all the open doors
me: ok, I’ll bite…why are we measuring all the open doors?
co-worker: some paintings are being returned from loan, and one of them is too big to fit through any of the doors. So, we have to measure them and all the windows to try to figure out how to get it back inside.
me: If we got the painting out of the door, shouldn’t we be able to get it back in the door?
co-worker: One would think…
3) I set up tours and special visits. For example:Last week I get a phone call from the VFW who wants to set up a visit. Assuming it is a local organization that wants to set up a tour I send the message over to my assistant. Three minuets later she comes rushing into my office to tell me this is not a local chapter but the head of the entire organization. Apparently the woman in charge of all lady veterans of foreign wars wants to come and visit. And apparently this woman travels with a 25 person entourage. Yup, 25 people to ensure the health, safety and happiness of a chick who is not related to the first family.
4) I do some basic business travel. For example: This time next week I will be leaving for a 10 day trip…..to Hawaii.
5) In interact with our visitors and objects. For example: I actually get to play with those harpoons.
I know , I know, you are still pissed about the free trip to Hawaii. What can I say? I have the best job ever.
March 9, 2009
My weekend, by the numbers…well, by five of the numbers.
5- the number of states I drove through in under 48 hours
4- the hours I spent at a bridal shower on Long Island*
6- the number of pages in the Bridal Shower Activity Booklet**
42-the number of minutes I waited why a NY State trooper proceeded to write me a ticket
457- the number of words in the formal letter of complaint I wrote in regards to the aggressive, nasty and inappropriate behavior of said trooper.
I never thought I would say this, but I am really happy to be back in the safety of my office with my Gumby mug and harpoons.
*anyone who has been to a bridal shower on LI knows that they are of an entirely different category than normal tasteful bridal showers.
**I have a picture of said booklet, but since it includes a photo of the bride and groom I thought it would be rude to post on the Internet. See, I can be nice(ish).
March 5, 2009
After describing where I work to a blogger friend the other day, she mentioned that she had trouble picturing it. So, with the help of my lovely iphone, here are some snap shots of my office and some of the things in it.
My* Gumby mug. This was taken in between my first and second cup of coffee.
On of my book cases. I have not read all the books in this case but I have read enough of them to answer questions, make suggestions and carry on a general conversation about them. We call this ‘skimming’. It is not smart.
Two of my harpoons. Ok, they are not actually my harpoons but they belong to my teaching collection. I have never once used them to impale anyone…although I may have thought about it. Actually, death by harpoon would make a great episode of Law & Order.
My magazine cut out of all the presidents being held up my one of the worst magnets I have ever laid eyes on. I have no idea how it showed up on my file cabinet but I did not purchase it on my trip to Alaska. Honest.
The morning sun coming up over the harbor as viewed from my office. It could be way worse than this.
* technically, the Gumby mug belongs to D. But, D does not drink coffee and leaving a mug like that in our cabinets is just a waste.
March 3, 2009
Yesterday when my phone started ringing at 6:30, I woke up to my boss saying five of my favorite words “we have a snow day” and promptly went back to sleep. It got me thinking about some of my other favorite five word phrases and in the tradition of ‘If I had to pick five’, here are five of them.
1) Said at a bar “This round is on me”
2) Said at my favorite retail store “That has been marked down”
3) Said by a police officer “This time, it’s a warning”
4) Said by the dentist “Congratulations, you have no cavities”
5) Said by just about anyone “Looks like you’ve lost weight”
What other good ones am I missing….